The Summer I...

The Summer has come and gone. I love summer so much so it only makes sense if I give it a proper send off.

So much has changed in my life since May. I graduated college, moved to a new city, moved again, the moved another time, started a new big girl job, lost and gained people in my life, and continue to learn about myself. As summer comes to an end, I wanted to reflect a bit on the things I did, learned, unlearned, and enjoyed this summer. What a blessing each season, literally and metaphorically, is to experience fully.

The Summer I fell in love with myself.

I have so much love to give. I decided that I deserved to receive it too. I'm not perfect, but love doesn't require perfection. I could go on about this one but honestly, it really is that simple: I decided to love myself.

The Summer I learned some people would rather lose me than face themselves.

And that is okay. And it has nothing to do with me not being good enough, or being too much. I was simply a reflection of who they needed to become and they didn't want to grow into that person. But missing them doesn't mean I need to shrink myself to get them back. It just means they mattered to me and my love was honest and real.

The Summer I found joy in my own routines.

I centered my routines around a few things: getting a little bit better every single day, spending the time with the people I love, and giving myself patience and space to feel everything. Naturally, my routines are simple. I go to work, on a walk during my lunch break, to the gym, home to my family for dinner, then do an evening activity. My weekends were more lively than that. But I learned to appreciate the calmness and found joy in just doing my own thing.

The Summer I grieved someone still alive.

I think this was the weirdest thing I've ever had to do. They simply aren't the person I knew anymore. It took me a while to realize that and even longer to accept it. But grief isn’t only about death, but about letting go of what will never be. It is love with no place to go.

The Summer I became excited about possibilities.

"What ifs" are exciting now. What if it does work out? What is that new apartment has wonderful neighbors and is just right? What if going on the date will be fun? What if joining the pickleball league introduces me to a new community? What if challenging myself to this new lifting split makes me love the gym again? What if I am exactly where I am supposed to be?

Maybe it is my glass half-full thing coming out, but I'm into it. Looking at things positively has been refreshing!

The Summer I got to know Jesus in a new way.

I've known Jesus forever. I have had relationship with Him my entire life. But this summer, He revealed himself to me in a way I hadn't witnessed before: as the one who holds my heart right now and my future, simultaneously.

By this I mean that He holds me in my pain, healing, and confusion (because He's been there, done that) right now but also reminds me that He has greater plans for my life yet. It's so comforting that He sees me as the daughter He created me to be, even when I can't see it or forget it myself.

The Summer I almost convinced myself I deserved it.

The guilt, the seemingly endless tears, the not being able to eat or to sleep, the shame, the heartbreak, the feeling that I am unlovable, the betrayal. I thought I earned all of it and it was mine to carry alone. But that wasn't me thinking, it was my fear and insecurities.

The Summer I finally convinced myself that I deserve it.

The happiness, the uncontrollable laughter, the good things, the love, the butterflies, the sunshine, the extraordinary people, the ridiculously good strawberry smoothies, the fun evenings, the songs that I can't stop listening to. I have FINALLY let myself enjoy these things without feeling like I am not good enough!

The Summer I spent with my family.

If you've read my blog about presence over perfection, you know I am all about just being there. Lucky for me, Wichita has so much family of mine. I've spent so much time with my grandparents and my four uncles and their families. I have 14 cousins here. They are all much younger than me, but they've managed to bring the kid out of me again and it is so fun to spend time and really get to know them. I have also spent time with my parents and siblings! They are just my favorite. But the family we choose along the way are so special too. My friends gave me such a good and wholesome summer.

Word of advice: life is short so just spend it laughing with the people you love.

The Summer my friends put me back together.

They showed up with love, laughter, advice, and late-night talks that stitched up the parts of me I thought were broken for good. Their love made me believe in my own again.

The Summer I discovered a French 75.

Gin, lemon juice, and champagne? Yah, count me in.

The Summer I learned that the love you give is never wasted.

For a long time, I figured that love was something that could be lost, like if the person I gave it to walked away or didn’t honor it, then all of it somehow evaporated. That was part of the grief I carried, realizing I had poured so much of myself into someone who couldn’t or wouldn’t receive it. But what I’ve been slowly learning is that love doesn’t just disappear. Even when it doesn’t return from the source you hoped it would, it finds other ways of circling back.

This summer, I saw that in the way my friends held me up when I couldn’t stand on my own, in the patience of my family who let me be quiet or messy when I needed to be, and in small kindnesses from strangers that reminded me the world is still good. The love I once gave away didn’t vanish. It grew, stretched, and found new routes back to me.

I think that’s part of what healing really is: realizing your love was never wasted because it changed you. It taught you how deeply you are able to care, and it prepared you to recognize real love when it finally shows up again. Love multiplies when you let it go freely, and eventually, it finds its way back to fill the spaces you thought would stay empty forever.

I hope you also had a productive and enjoyable summer because we all deserve it! Until next summer xoxo!

All my love,

Neva