Maybe I am the Bad Guy To Someone...

I think for many people, it is natural to want to be liked by everyone. Preferably, we don't have negative reputations with anyone. No one has anything bad to say about us. We continue to grow and learn. We treat everyone with kindness and selfless consideration. But that is not true. It isn't how it works.

No matter how "good" of a person we are. No matter how hard we try to be liked and loved by everyone in our lives and everyone we walk by, we all are the bad guy in someone's story.

This is something I have had to come to terms with in the past two months. It hasn't been easy and had me take a good and long look at myself in the mirror (this isn't a bad thing, but as some point you've got to stop staring and move on). It was hard to have to accept that this person thinks I am the bad guy in his life and that inevitably he would make everyone in his life think the same.

I stand by my actions and that I did not do anything wrong. He didn't like what I did. It hurt him. I am sorry that I hurt him, but I also know that I cannot undo it. I can only explain something so many times. I couldn't make him understand it and the last thing I was going to do was throw any of his actions or words back in his face to make another point.

All that was left to do was... nothing.

We move on.

And maybe that is the hardest part.

There is a strange discomfort in knowing that someone has misunderstood you, especially when you know there is nothing left you can say to change their mind. There is a part of me that wants to explain every detail, correct every version of the story, make sure the people who know me know that I am not the person they have been told I am.

But what would that accomplish?

At some point, defending yourself becomes another way of staying attached to something you are trying to leave behind.

I have had to learn that being a good person does not mean being perceived as one by everyone. It doesn't mean everyone will understand your intentions. It doesn't mean everyone will agree with your choices. And it certainly doesn't mean you will never hurt someone.

Sometimes you can do the right thing and still hurt someone.

Sometimes you can make a decision for yourself that someone else experiences as rejection.

Sometimes you can love someone and still realize that you cannot keep choosing them.

And sometimes, in someone else's version of the story, that makes you the bad guy.

I don't think the answer is to convince ourselves that we are always right. That would be just as dangerous as believing we are always wrong. We should look at ourselves honestly. We should ask where we could have done better. We should apologize when we owe someone an apology. We should learn from the ways we have failed people.

But there is a difference between accountability and self-punishment.

I can acknowledge that someone was hurt without deciding that I am a bad person because of it.

I can be sorry without going back.

I can wish things had ended differently without believing they should have ended differently.

And I can let someone have their version of me.

Maybe I am the bad guy to someone.

Maybe you are, too.

Not because we are bad people. Not because we don't care. But because we are human, and every person experiences us from a different angle. We are the main character in our own story, but we are a supporting character in everyone else's.

I don't get to control the story someone tells about me.

I only get to decide how I live from here.

So if someone needs me to be the villain so they can make sense of what happened, I can live with that.

I don't need to chase down every person who misunderstood me.

I don't need to make myself smaller so someone else can feel better about the ending.

I don't need everyone to think I am good.

I just need to keep becoming the kind of person I know I want to be.

And maybe that is enough.

All my love,

Neva